Link

I was looking at my hard drive and came upon my writings from my classes from the past year. For the next few months I’ll share some of my writings with you. It’s me being authentic and courageous. They are straight from my mind, mostly a stream of consciousness on my current journey. Some essays are more thought through.

I hope you enjoy the insight into my life. I am grateful that you care enough to want to get to know me better.

Enjoy and I love you

*This is an essay I wrote as a response from the following TedTALK:
TEDTalk: Danger Of Silence

January 25, 2016

Danger of Silence

We all have a story or a truth to tell. Recently I have made some tough life choices and soon realized, I don’t know much about what I want out of life. I’ve been married, raised a family, bought  a couple houses, divorced, lost a couple of houses, changed careers, moved away to Hawaii for a year, became a college student and now I’m here. The line Clint Smith speaks in his TEDTalk, Danger of Silence made me think about my life and where I was headed. For much of his life he spent saying what other people wanted to hear.

I have spent most of my life telling people what they wanted to hear also. I sacrificed myself in many ways by being a dependable wife, a hard working parent, a model daughter-in-law, a responsible and accountable mother, a reliable friend and a caring and giving daughter.

I have looked the other way when I was treated poorly by my husband, bosses and friends. I accepted that my life would always be like it is.

One day in 2013 I realized that I was important and had a choice to change how my life was headed. I soon made decisions that created a domino effect in my life. I moved out on my own. I quit my unfulfilling job. I took care of my mom who had breast cancer. Life is way too short was my new outlook. I moved to Hawaii. I swam with dolphins and sharks and made life long friends with people whom I connected with on so many different levels. I became more clear headed of who I was and what I wanted to do. I decided to go back to school, to become a nutritionist, to help people live happier and healthier lives.

While my friends and family were surprised by this new ‘me’, I felt awakened. I heard my own voice loud and clear. It was a long time coming. So now, I am no longer quiet in what I want. I ask for it now. I continue to be helpful, nurturing and reliant. I am first doing it for myself, which fuels my passion to then be that way to others.

img_5545

Official Middle-Aged Post

4 Replies

I mean, assuming I will live till 90…I should live longer than that though according to modern day science marvels.

The past few weeks I have been SO exhausted. I crawl out of bed. My head is filled with fog. My body aches in places that I thought couldn’t ache…like my tailbone? So when I woke up this morning full of energy and love, I knew it was different. Today was a different kind of day. I felt free and weightless. I could feel my family loving me from afar. It was my birthday! 45! So cool!

The past year I have been working on a new career. I am a full time college student. I am taking math and chemistry, mixed in with nutrition and psychology. My brain is alive and it’s retaining information! I’ve never had As and Bs in school before, psychology and nutrition respectively…Life is SO good.

Sure, life has it’s struggles and I often need to be real with myself and have patience. Accept what is ‘right now’ for example. While I am working on a life change, I can’t help but worry and second guess this decision to go into healthcare, being I’m not that keen on my math skills. It is a struggle each class period. I study and study. And don’t get the results I want. Recently I have accepted that what I knew about studying and learning had to be changed. I have spent over 200 hours studying which has resulted in sub-par results. My professor was empathetic and reminded me that I have it in me to succeed. “To keep at it. You’re young. It will be worth it to me to stay focused on my goals…”

Could it be possible I have a learning disability? It is possible…I mean I do really well in psychology, history and nutrition. I can whip out essays in minutes. It’s frustrating and defeating when I don’t get the same scores in math.  I set up a appointment at school with a counselor to talk about my learning issues. I’ll keep you updated…

So, I suppose if I ‘keep at it’ I will eventually get there. I have perseverance. I have friends that love and support me. I am grateful.

 

20140105-070009.jpg

Let me give thanks to the two that created me…This is a picture of my parents in their early twenties…my Dad still looks at my Mom this loving today.

IMG_4493

Happy Birthday to me! At 1, 2, 3, 4,5…and at 45! Happy Summer Friends!

I continue on with an open heart and an open mind.

Love always,

Amy

 

 

Invisible Me

4 Replies

Invisible me.jpg

So the last time I posted anything to my blog, I was a different person. I was making some choices within my life that would affect the next decade(s). I had filed for divorce, I moved to the Big Island of Hawaii, I detached myself from a life I had known since I was twenty, (i’m almost 45 now), and I focused on myself. I began a transition into starting over. I had no house. I had no savings. But I had freedom to make any decision about my life going forward. It was SO strange. It still is at times actually.

In detaching myself from material things, I also weeded through my garden of acquaintances, friends and possibly enemies. I narrowed my support circle to just a handful of loving friends. I focused on using Facebook as an avenue to share articles about health, eating organic and loving oneself. On Pinterest, I focused on my hobbies, animals, knitting and self love. And Instagram, I focused on my creative side. I posted photos of my fermenting, jamming and of the little things in my day that brought the most amount of happiness like sunsets, sunrises and hot toddies on a cold night.

I recently moved back to the Bay Area and enrolled in college. I am now focusing on my second career, becoming a Nutritionist with a focus in Community Health. Being back in school, among bright eyed twenty somethings has been very humbling! Yet, I feel a connection with them as we all have something to learn from one another. This week is finals week and I am feeling overwhelmed. And anxious. And highly emotional which then transcends into self doubt, unfortunately. Up to this point have I made the best decisions for myself? Is going back to school the right thing to do? Moving back to the mainland the best step for me?

I recently attended a woman’s creative workshop that focused on becoming more in touch with your inner queen. Amazing photographer, Stacy del Rosa took the photo of me above. This is what she said about the picture, “When I see this photo of you, I see a woman in love with her own becoming. A woman who keeps a sacred message just for her inside her crown. A woman who is willing to see the whole of herself and love all of it with compassion and kindness.” I was speechless when I received this picture. Her words couldn’t be more true.  At times when I feel that I can’t do this new life, I look beyond the self doubt and realize I am loving who I am becoming. I can do this!

I continue on with an open heart and an open mind

xoxo

 

 

 

Mele Kalikimaka! Merry Christmas!

Leave a reply

My first Christmas in Hawaii! And the first post from me in a long while…where should I begin?

I’ll start with the last post back in September. I alluded to lots of changes that created a new found momentum for me. I did lose 50 lbs during my weight loss study at Stanford. I filed for a divorce. I worked on becoming Authentic Amy. I fell in love with life during the past year too. My eyes opened. I moved to an island in the South Pacific with my dearest best friend and her family. I live on her island homestead filled with fruit and nut trees, gardens and lots of maintenance needs. It’s been an amazing two months since moving here, creating a veggie garden, pruning overgrown avocado and banana trees and learning about centipedes, cockroaches and the non migratory Monarch Butterflies that live on the property. We will be adding a small of chickens soon to assist in the pedes and roaches. I have been learning what my baseline emotional and physical needs are too.

I’ll slowly get back to blogging. I have missed it actually.

So while this post is short, behind it lies volumes about what we need to be happy. If you you look in a mirror right now, it’s the reflection you see. Happiness begins with you. So until next time…love yourself! Hug someone tight! Grow some food!

Merry Christmas Friends!

Mele Kalikimaka!

mmmmmm

mmmmmm

They are huge here!

They are huge here!

 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Leave a reply

So many changes have happened in my life from this time last year to now, my life is nothing as it once was.

While there has been heartache, sadness, lonliness, depression and insanity there also has been joy, happiness, humbled realizations and progress in my life.

Have you heard the expression, Love is all you need? In my case, its true. I needed to begin loving myself in order for change to happen in my life. From the outside, I’m a very loving person. I give love freely. I see love in the little things around me. Friends and family often say that they are attracted to the love I give out. A year ago, I felt like I had no more love to give. I was overweight. I was depressed. I was in a relationship where for many years the love wasn’t reciprocated, at least not in the capacity that I needed. I lost my love, temporarily.

It was one day last September that I felt like ending it all. It seemed it would be so much better not to feel so helpless. I had struggled with life for so long, I was at my rope so they say.

And then a switch flipped…I realized I actually had a choice to change myself and my situation. So I did just that. I spoke with a lawyer. I signed up for a Stanford University Weight Loss study. I began to think differently. I became aware of the areas I had control over and stopped worrying about the things I had no control over.

I lightened up. I cleaned out my closets. I began losing weight. I began to feel. I was feeling joyful. And hopeful. I reassessed what was important to me. I made goals.

After this year I have grown in way I never thought imaginable. It only took a decision to take a leap of faith towards change.

I am grateful for this journey as I have strengthened existing meaningful relationships, and formed new authentic relationships that I will treasure forever. I’m loving myself again. And it feels right.

 

 

After a long Winters nap…I’ve decided I’m back

Leave a reply

Yes, it’s true! I have been through so much LIFE recently I feel I can write a novel…well at least a few chapters of a novel…more on that thought later…

I have been doing some self reflection, soul searching, life planning, hermit-ing, goal setting, working and sorting. I also have been doing some loving, caring, listening, friending and feeling. This morning I didn’t even need a jacket on my run. It’s was a sign that change is happening and good things are coming…

While this is a quick little post, there will be more coming…
Have a good day everyone…I will be!

20140408-104821.jpg
Me in Portland Oregon March 2014

Happy New Year Nostalgia

Leave a reply

2014.
I have a bubbling suspicion that this year will be chock full of change. Can you feel it too?

The past few months have been churning, status quo, the motions continue forward, however a few weeks ago my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve been overwhelmed by the feelings that spout out from such news. The really good thing is that she found it in its early stages. The initial reports showed 3 tumors and a mastectomy was arranged. Cancer was found in her lymph nodes also, so she will be prescribed chemo and radiation.

The last week I have been recuperating with her at home since surgery, which went really well, but feeling nostalgic. There really is nothing like that feeling of curling up in bed with your mom in bed, no matter what age you are…and I’m 42!

This morning I woke up at 1a and at 2a and at 4a when I decided to just get up. Even though I’ve been visiting for over a week, the one thing I have been meaning to do is look through the photo albums. My parents seemed to have captured the perfect memories to our childhood. Capturing the snippet of time that a point and shoot camera accomplishes. I laughed a little and cried a tear or two, but helped me remember how goofy my brothers and I were. And now with families of our own, how our offspring now resemble how we were all back then. The family vacations, the family parties, the cousins…so many cousins! The holidays, the family pets, the messy house, the moments where my brothers and I passed the time by dressing up as monsters, giving talent shows or beating each other up. There are even a few of me as a teenager, being moody and embarrassed being in public with my parents.

I would really like to wish a resounding Happy New Year to everyone, but happiness is just not what I see. There will be lots of change and recovery, and some pain, hopefully not too much.

So until next time here are a couple pictures of my parents, one on their wedding day in 1966, and one 9 months later the same year.

20140105-070031.jpg

20140105-070009.jpg