Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

So many changes have happened in my life from this time last year to now, my life is nothing as it once was.

While there has been heartache, sadness, lonliness, depression and insanity there also has been joy, happiness, humbled realizations and progress in my life.

Have you heard the expression, Love is all you need? In my case, its true. I needed to begin loving myself in order for change to happen in my life. From the outside, I’m a very loving person. I give love freely. I see love in the little things around me. Friends and family often say that they are attracted to the love I give out. A year ago, I felt like I had no more love to give. I was overweight. I was depressed. I was in a relationship where for many years the love wasn’t reciprocated, at least not in the capacity that I needed. I lost my love, temporarily.

It was one day last September that I felt like ending it all. It seemed it would be so much better not to feel so helpless. I had struggled with life for so long, I was at my rope so they say.

And then a switch flipped…I realized I actually had a choice to change myself and my situation. So I did just that. I spoke with a lawyer. I signed up for a Stanford University Weight Loss study. I began to think differently. I became aware of the areas I had control over and stopped worrying about the things I had no control over.

I lightened up. I cleaned out my closets. I began losing weight. I began to feel. I was feeling joyful. And hopeful. I reassessed what was important to me. I made goals.

After this year I have grown in way I never thought imaginable. It only took a decision to take a leap of faith towards change.

I am grateful for this journey as I have strengthened existing meaningful relationships, and formed new authentic relationships that I will treasure forever. I’m loving myself again. And it feels right.

 

 

20140408-104752.jpg

After a long Winters nap…I’ve decided I’m back

Yes, it’s true! I have been through so much LIFE recently I feel I can write a novel…well at least a few chapters of a novel…more on that thought later…

I have been doing some self reflection, soul searching, life planning, hermit-ing, goal setting, working and sorting. I also have been doing some loving, caring, listening, friending and feeling. This morning I didn’t even need a jacket on my run. It’s was a sign that change is happening and good things are coming…

While this is a quick little post, there will be more coming…
Have a good day everyone…I will be!

20140408-104821.jpg
Me in Portland Oregon March 2014

Happy New Year Nostalgia

2014.
I have a bubbling suspicion that this year will be chock full of change. Can you feel it too?

The past few months have been churning, status quo, the motions continue forward, however a few weeks ago my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve been overwhelmed by the feelings that spout out from such news. The really good thing is that she found it in its early stages. The initial reports showed 3 tumors and a mastectomy was arranged. Cancer was found in her lymph nodes also, so she will be prescribed chemo and radiation.

The last week I have been recuperating with her at home since surgery, which went really well, but feeling nostalgic. There really is nothing like that feeling of curling up in bed with your mom in bed, no matter what age you are…and I’m 42!

This morning I woke up at 1a and at 2a and at 4a when I decided to just get up. Even though I’ve been visiting for over a week, the one thing I have been meaning to do is look through the photo albums. My parents seemed to have captured the perfect memories to our childhood. Capturing the snippet of time that a point and shoot camera accomplishes. I laughed a little and cried a tear or two, but helped me remember how goofy my brothers and I were. And now with families of our own, how our offspring now resemble how we were all back then. The family vacations, the family parties, the cousins…so many cousins! The holidays, the family pets, the messy house, the moments where my brothers and I passed the time by dressing up as monsters, giving talent shows or beating each other up. There are even a few of me as a teenager, being moody and embarrassed being in public with my parents.

I would really like to wish a resounding Happy New Year to everyone, but happiness is just not what I see. There will be lots of change and recovery, and some pain, hopefully not too much.

So until next time here are a couple pictures of my parents, one on their wedding day in 1966, and one 9 months later the same year.

20140105-070031.jpg

20140105-070009.jpg

The little red things

Yes I’ve been absent, physically and mentally but thought I’d share these pics from this morning before work.
All it takes to brightens someone’s day are tiny little red things…

20131213-080629.jpg

20131213-080649.jpg

20131213-080658.jpg

20131213-080708.jpg

This of course is Rosalee, look at her waddles and comb they are coming in nicely! And she loves tiny little red things…Happy holidays!

Case of the Mondays

20130918-214603.jpg

This past Monday I woke up tired and out of sorts. I fed the pups, let the chickens out to free range a bit before work and went back inside to make some tea. I also made a scrambled egg sandwich on Rudis GF multigrain bread. Since this past year with my allergy, I haven’t really wanted to eat bread. I no longer craved it, but this morning, I knew I wanted an egg sandwich.
As I was walking down the hall, the entire sandwich slid off my plate. Ugh! So it ended up that my dogs had a nice breakfast instead of me. I went back into the kitchen and tured the kettle on. I’ll make myself some tea I said to myself…I grabbed a mug from the cupboard and accidentally bumped it against my sink. It cracked in my hand, leaving me with a cut. I washed the cut, put a bandaid on it and reminded myself that yes its Monday, but I had tomorrow off. I need to get through the day…I MUST get through the day…
The past couple weeks, I’ve been feeling fatigued. Maybe it’s the changing of the seasons, who knows.

Even though the morning didn’t go as planned, no more disasters happened. In fact on my way to work I made myself laugh because at first I was feeling bummed my favorite mug broke…but then my next thought was that ALL my mugs are my favorite! Not just that one. I had many left to enjoy!

Here’s a chicken picture for no reason except that yes, those fluffy furry puffballs are hens. And she’s probably thinking, what you looking at?

20130918-220401.jpg